Existence

Thinking about existence
Originally uploaded by felipeatcubo


I can remember as a child, wondering if the world around me existed solely in my mind. I wondered if each of us had our own perspective, which translated into our reality being significantly different from each others. These types of thoughts would often occupy my mind. They made me question whether the world, and other people, existed for me, or did I exist for them.

I'm not quite sure why I questioned my world so much. Perhaps it was just the egocentricity of a child's development. For a very long time I truly believed that when I walked away from a place I had visited, it would fail to exist until I returned. I guess it is no surprise that I later studied philosophy in college.

This line of thinking is not too far removed from what I learned about the French philosopher René Descartes. Descartes formulated a single principle to prove his existence, "Cogito ergo sum," I think, therefore I am.

From an early age, I have suffered from insomnia. As a child I would lie awake in bed after being tucked in by my parents. I would be very aware that my sibling were all fast asleep, but not I. I could here in a distant room, my parents watching television, or talking together. I would later hear them turning off the lights, moving down the hallway, and settling into bed for the night. Before long I could sense that they too were asleep, and I was left as the sole person awake in our home. The stillness of night would begin to grow around me. Soon I could sense that everyone on our block was asleep, and likely beyond. Once again, my thoughts, my awareness of the quiet world, seem to exist solely for me. Or did I exist solely for it.

I think this created in me a responsibility to keep vigil through the night. What if I dosed off too soon? How would the world manage without someone keeping watch? In much the same was I sit here as an adult, awake far into the night. I now make sure that my own children are tucked in bed, that they are safely asleep. I then stay up, alert, in the event that one of them should wake up and need me.

I know that I exist. Here I sit, thinking, writing. Do I exist for the world, or does it exist for me? Some of life's circumstances have led me to believe the former. Just when I begin thinking that the world exist for me, an important part of my world is taken away. Once again I am left alone in the quiet stillness of night, keeping vigil.