Monday, March 5, 2012

New Found Love.

New found love can be overwhelming. It open you up for the possibilities that you might have otherwise not prepared for. Yes, we want love, and yes, we often go out to find it, yet do we really know what to do with it once we recognize it's presence.

I have loved three times in my lifetime. Each was actually short lived, yet each was life changing. I am one that never expected love. I feared that I lacked the capacity to sustain the me in the we. Experience has shown me that when I fall, I fall very hard. I have learned that I have a big open heart, and if not careful, I do begin to lose site of who I am.

Tonight I lay here in bed, restless, lacking of sleep, and feeling frustrated that my love is not laying here beside me. Between living miles apart, and working complete opposite schedules, we can barely carve out a couple of nights together each week. We do have our morning check ins, quick hello's during work breaks, and occasionally some facetime with the help of our iPhones. Yet each of these ways to maintain connection only make me yearn all the more for him hour by hour.

My mind is all consumed by him. My heart is overflowing with love, and my body craves his body. I need that touch. His embrace. I need to feel his breath, and to taste his lips. I need to hold him at night, and know that we are connected, body, mind and soul.

I have my fears. I have my weaknesses. I have my vulnerabilities.

I realized tonight that in my mind, I lost my first love to God. We were both seminarians, studying to become Catholic priests. I chose to leave, he chose to stay. I couldn't compete with God. God wanted him, and God got him in the end. My next love, well, God took him too. God took my love from this world far too soon. A brain tumor. Well, I was no match for the tumor, or another way of looking at it, I was once again no match for God's will.

So what am I worried about? If I give in to love, if I come to rely on it, which I have, will I lose once again?

I know the answer. Yes, there is that possibility. I could lose myself in falling so deep. I could lose the equilibrium that I have worked so hard to recreate. I could lose that which I know to expect, and gain what is unexpected. I know that if I shy away from new found love that my life, and my heart, can be protected. Yet, is that what I want? No.

I want to work through this early yearning. I want to wade through the frustrating and scary times. I want to bask in the future possibility of having the new him beside me for whatever time God chooses, or he chooses, or we choose. I want love. I have love. I want patience. I seek patience. I want to grow, and I want to maintain me.

Am I thinking too hard? Yes, likely. Yet, that is who I am. I know myself. I know enough to write out my thoughts, express my feelings, then let go.

This is me letting go.

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