Change as Opportunity

change
Originally uploaded by n.elle

Sometimes the best opportunities are the one's we create for ourselves. They don't have to be significant in the minds of others. They don't have to necessarily be a means to and end. They can just be an opportunity to grow, and to see ourselves in a new light.

My current opportunity came by way of self expression. Taking time to listen to my internal stirring has moved me to focus my energy on writing. What moves me emotionally these days is something life changing. The change is nothing I had hoped for, but the change has caused me to look at myself with a renewed self-awareness.

Change is always a potential opportunity. We can fight it, or we can embrace it. Embracing change doesn't mean that I welcome it, or that necessarily encourage it. For me, embracing change means that I accept to recognize it's presence, and that I will face it head on. If it is here, then denying it is of no use to me. I must grow.

The person that I am today is very different from the person I used to be. Does that make sense? I suppose the difference is perspective. I see life differently today. My perspective is less naive. In some ways my experience of life is less stable, less trustworthy. My world's axis has changed. I view everything around me from new angles. It is what it is.

So here is my opportunity. Express my thoughts and feelings. Put them out there for all to see. Let them float around, then come back to me. Do they make sense? I don't know. Do they need to always make sense? Probably not. I just need to hear myself. I just need to see myself. I need to understand who I am becoming.

I'm choosing to take this opportunity.

Control

Control room
Originally uploaded by roomman

I would love to have more control, if just for one day. I don't necessarily need a lot of it, and I don't need to have it all the time. I would just like to think that I am getting my fair share of it, of control.

Control is something I have struggled with for many years. I have often been told that I try to control all outcomes, yet get reminded that this is something I have no control of. So what it is the right balance? Why does talk of control always have such a negative connotation?

Maybe we could be given a certain amount of control, and once we are out of it, then we're just shit out of luck. Would this help us manage our sense of control better?
If we had a boss who was just a control freak, couldn't we just ride it out and wait for him or her to lose complete control?

If we have a controlling spouse, would they eventually get their due? And at what point would we recognize that we are more often than not bending to their wishes and desires. Or are we the controlling person in the relationship, always needing to have decisions and ideas go our way. Who exactly has the control here?

What about self-control? Is it not seen as favorable to manage our own behavior or emotions? This is one of the earliest life lessons we want our children to learn, right?

Then there is letting go of control, which is something we strive for in our adult years. By letting go of control we are better able to free ourselves from emotional pain, or patterns of destructive behavior that leads us back to pain.

So what would I do with my fair share of control? I suppose I would prioritize which outcomes are most beneficial, or important, to me. I would ask myself how I would best benefit from the outcome I seek. I would also likely question if I truly knew what the best outcome was. I would hopefully realize that by letting go of the control, I might end up with an outcome that better suits me, that I hadn't even considered.

Easier said than done? Perhaps. What I would like to strive for is a better locus of control. I would like to maintain a healthier perception of my control over those things which I am capable of influencing.

Besides, I would much rather be thought of as influential than controlling. How about you?

Existence

Thinking about existence
Originally uploaded by felipeatcubo


I can remember as a child, wondering if the world around me existed solely in my mind. I wondered if each of us had our own perspective, which translated into our reality being significantly different from each others. These types of thoughts would often occupy my mind. They made me question whether the world, and other people, existed for me, or did I exist for them.

I'm not quite sure why I questioned my world so much. Perhaps it was just the egocentricity of a child's development. For a very long time I truly believed that when I walked away from a place I had visited, it would fail to exist until I returned. I guess it is no surprise that I later studied philosophy in college.

This line of thinking is not too far removed from what I learned about the French philosopher René Descartes. Descartes formulated a single principle to prove his existence, "Cogito ergo sum," I think, therefore I am.

From an early age, I have suffered from insomnia. As a child I would lie awake in bed after being tucked in by my parents. I would be very aware that my sibling were all fast asleep, but not I. I could here in a distant room, my parents watching television, or talking together. I would later hear them turning off the lights, moving down the hallway, and settling into bed for the night. Before long I could sense that they too were asleep, and I was left as the sole person awake in our home. The stillness of night would begin to grow around me. Soon I could sense that everyone on our block was asleep, and likely beyond. Once again, my thoughts, my awareness of the quiet world, seem to exist solely for me. Or did I exist solely for it.

I think this created in me a responsibility to keep vigil through the night. What if I dosed off too soon? How would the world manage without someone keeping watch? In much the same was I sit here as an adult, awake far into the night. I now make sure that my own children are tucked in bed, that they are safely asleep. I then stay up, alert, in the event that one of them should wake up and need me.

I know that I exist. Here I sit, thinking, writing. Do I exist for the world, or does it exist for me? Some of life's circumstances have led me to believe the former. Just when I begin thinking that the world exist for me, an important part of my world is taken away. Once again I am left alone in the quiet stillness of night, keeping vigil.

Deep Thought

Trance
Originally uploaded by jonmatthew photography

When we find ourselves in deep thought, we are almost in a trance-like state. An example of this is when on a long drive. We are supposed to remain focused on the road, but as the images fly by us, our mind becomes aware of the surrounding images. These images begin to frame our perspective. As a consequence of this widened trance-like experience, there can be a momentary lack of clarity as to where we begin, and where the moving images end.

While the stated example usually happens in a matter of seconds, and we are fortunately rattled back into reality. It can serve to illustrate to us how being mindful of ourselves, our body and it's sensations, is only the beginning process of meditation. We also need to acknowledge the images that surround us, that beg for our attention. Rather than see these as distractions, we need to accept their presence in a non-judgemental way. Only when we are able to do this are we able to free up our mind.

This process can be helpful in so many ways. Of course it is the beginning practice of meditation, but it can also be applied to other circumstances as well. Think about trying to listen to a friend amidst other noises or conversations. If we work too hard to just hear our friend, we can then become so frustrated with the distractions that we forget what we were doing. By allowing the distractions to enter our consciousness, we acknowledge it, then return to give our friend our full attention. This slight divergence can be done very quickly.

I guess what I am saying is this, deep thought does not mean having to have rigid walls around it. Deep thought is focused thought, but it is also fluid.